Speaking as someone who has lived throughout the country, I can say with some authority that Jersey ain’t that great. I would never bash good ol’ Jers, as she does have some high points, but let’s at least look at things from a balanced perspective. NJ’s not bad, but let’s don’t go overboard with accolades. The guy pumping your gas isn’t exactly making our flammable vapor experience any safer. I mean no disrespect, these guys have to work long hours outside in crappy weather and deal with lippy, know it all Jersey peeps, but it’s not like these guys are highly trained refueling technicians. I could be wrong, but I’m pretty sure you don’t need any type of certification to undertake the task of pumping gas in NJ. And just for the record, Jersey does smell. I don’t know if it’s her fault, it might be a gland issue, but there are some funky parts all the same. The whole ”Garden State” motto too? You’re not fooling anyone. My entire time out here I’ve seen one garden, and like most things in Jersey, it was on the side of the highway. Every week I get some email forwarded to me about Jersey, written by a native Garden Stater, ranting about how great it is. I get it, you feel you must defend the weak. Because I think we can all agree that the strong could defend themselves. Stop trying so hard to pitch me on this place. If it was worth buying would you have to work so hard to sell it? Love ya Ash!!!

So I’ve now been in the confines of my hotel room continuously for 50 odd hours. It’s a small space, but what I sacrifice in square footage I make up in divine acoustical quality. The mark of a fine room is one in which me singing aloud the theme song to “Cheers” creates harmonic tones and pleasant reverb. At one point my cabin fever had me believing that I was actually the original artist chosen to sing this song for the beloved 80’s sit-com. I don’t know for sure who really sang the theme so if anyone ever asks, I did. People probably won’t believe you at first when you tell them you know the guy who honored the drinking establishment where everyone knows your name, but with my two and half days of straight practicing, I think I can make a pretty strong case and bring in some believers.

On an unrelated side note, I’ve made friends with the potentially disease carrying mosquito that has decided to seek refuge in my room. Sure, we had our differences at first, but we worked things out and now I think we’ve come to respect one another and our diversity. I spent the entire first day doing all that I could to kill my new friend. At one point I think I may have fractured a rib after falling off of the desktop I was standing on to try and swat at Ralph (I’ve named him) who was perched on the ceiling. Ralph, if you’re reading this, just like I already explained buddy, it was a misunderstanding and my assassination attempt took place before I had a chance to really get to know you. Did I befriend Ralph due to his charming personality? Yes and no. Mostly no. It was mainly because after I Googled “mosquito” I learned that Ralph is probably poised to inject me with something my American immune system is not prepared to handle. Ralph and I don’t have the most affectionate relationship, as we barely even see each other. But when I do see him hovering around the light in my bathroom I give him a “what’s up”, and remind him that I won’t reach for the rolled up magazine as long as he is happy to remain where he is. Besides, I’ve grown tired of the constant buzzing sound the min-fridge in the room makes, so Ralph’s slightly different constant buzzing sound is a welcome change.

As I previously reported, I’m here in Taipei during typhoon Sinlaku’s rein of terror. If you’ve never experienced a typhoon before, well then let me tell you it’s like nothing you could ever imagine. Unless of course you are imagining some rain and a bit of wind, then you’re pretty spot on. I should tell you that I’m out chasing this storm, dodging lightning, or getting to the heart of Sinlaku while dangeling from the tether of a weather balloon sent into the eye of storm. I should say all of this because it would make me look way more bad ass. But in truth I’m relaxing in my hotel room, drinking imported beer and waiting for my room service to show up. The tv reports keep telling everyone to stay inside. Who am I to question such a powerful media platform? So inside I shall stay. Did I mention there’s a spa in the hotel? These typhoons can wreck havoc on your nerves, I feel a lot safer knowing I can get a manicure/pedicure if the stress gets unbearable. I was able to snap a picture of the window in my room to give you an idea of what being in the heart of this typhoon really looks like. Incredible!!!

I have been working out of our sister office in Taipei for the past two weeks, securing the final details for new Red Ledge products. Andy, Brand Director, flew in this morning to join me.

Taipei is a very modern city, bustling with commerce and entertainment.

There are lovely mountain views and comfortable ocean breezes.

Oh, did I mention the category 4 typhoon that’s currently swallowing the entire country?

Funny little side note… Chris, National Sales Director, is currently down in Texas working at a trade show for Red Ledge.

Backer Inners-

Whether you back into a parking space or pull forward into a parking space, you still have to back up one time or the other. Just pull in like a normal person.

I know you probably think that backing into a spot is a showcase of your advanced driving prowess, but when was the last time you saw Mario Andretti back into pit row? I have no patience for the backer inner.

The backer inner passes the open parking spot as if they have disregarded it and left it for the taking. As I pull forward and I fill with delight from my apparent luck I’m soon forced to slam on my brakes as this annoying backer inner stuns me with their reverse lights. Then I spend the next twenty minutes waiting while they take up the entire parking lot trying to maneuver their Dodge Caravan into the parking space. More times then not one of their passengers ends up hopping out and has to guide the awkward mini-van into the spot like one of the guys with the glow stick thingies on the tarmac at LaGuardia Airport.

If that’s not bad enough then I have to wait on their grade school honor student hauling ass when I go to leave. As I begin to back out of my parking space like a decent human being, the backer inner quickly and recklessly pulls forward out of their spot and then obnoxiously honks at me as I attempt to creep back from my spot. I understand that they have never come to trust their Tivo and they’re frightened to death that they might miss a rerun episode of Rosanne, but just slow down there my honking backer inner.

Backing into a parking space, just like many things are learned behaviors. The only way to end these behaviors is to break the cycle. So the next time someone backs into a spot with a mini-van full of kids I think I’ll just calmly walk up to the driver’s door and rip the driver out of the car. When little Johnny grows up and gets his license and heads out to do some shopping, he’ll think twice about backing into a parking spot when he flashes back to the guy that dragged his mom from her seat as she clutched the wheel of the ol’ Caravan, 10 years prior in that same Super-Store parking lot.